Season 10 of American Idol premiered last night, and I had fun.  Of course I miss Simon Cowell, but Jennifer Lopez is so pretty and nice and awesome. Steven Tyler spouts out rainbow-colored nonsense, making him a hair saner than Paula”Walnuts” Abdul.  And poor Randy Jackson, who is sorely overlooked because of the shiny new additions to the panel.  You’re still swell, dawg.

While it’s great to have these musicians as part of the show, I can’t help but wonder if they’re doing their job as judges .  First off, Simon would have never allowed struggling contestants to sing a second song to sway the vote.  He just would not tolerate it.  Steven and JLo said yes to every flopping fish who begged for one more shot at redemption.  Alas, this first round is for pure entertainment.  It’s during Hollywood Week that the judges put their mean faces on.  Even Ellen wasn’t nice during Hwood Week.  I wanna see JLo go gangsta on some of those wet noodles come go-time.  You ain’t good enough to be the next American Idol!  Your voice is pathetic!  Go back to your day job as a boy scout!  Wait, that dude didn’t make it…

Face it, you’re talking to your co-workers about:

Just like Rachel, I would have wept a little if Jennifer Lopez said she remembered me from season six.  She AND Marc remembered (first name basis).

I am really into Steven Tyler’s rambles about letting people in the door, watering their flowers and letting them grow.

Hollywood is gross and full of homeless people.  Don’t get too pumped about your next stop, hopefuls.  Shift that dream a little more west towards the BH, and you’re on the right track.

Ok, now I’m blocking my ears.  Don’t let #55044 through.  Steven Tyler, with all due respect, it’s not right to play along with the contestant while they’re auditioning.  I think his voice is crap.  I miss Simon.  Ryan twirled #55044′s mom’s hand around after her son got through, then wouldn’t let go.  It was weird.

I know it’s tough to say no to people, but it’s time to say no, JLo.  If we crown the first tone deaf American Idol, that falls on you.

It’s sad when people who can’t sing think they can, like the girl from the Ivory Coast and Michael-who-burps and the boy scout.

Tiffany, the Puerto Ricarn Jersey girl didn’t do a great job teasing her hair.   Maybe because it wasn’t blown out? She did say that the teasing doesn’t take as well if your hair isn’t blown out.  Please don’t send Tiffany through to the next round.  If only for the star pasties.  “Jujubees on your oohooh bees,” as our Aerosmith frontman called them.  She’ll go home during Hollywood Week.

Sob story #1: Robbie from New York who was wheelchair-bound as a child.  He was 7 when the first season of Idol aired.  I was 20.  I am so f____ old.

“I want to meet Ellen so bad. Is she there? What?”

“Where is your pitchfork, you little devil.”

I want to punch Michael because he burps and doesn’t think it’s rude.  And he can’t sing and looks ridicuous.  “Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child?”  I’ll tell you one thing, Simon wouldn’t let the ass clowns sing a second song.  We all heard what we needed to hear the first time around.  Now we’re just wasting time, gross burping man.

Ashley who works in a mall in Springfield: You are more Broadway than Hollywood.  And JLo agrees with me.  There’s something about Ashley, though.  I don’t know how she’ll do in the next rounds, but I wasn’t TOO annoyed by her.  “I’m going to go…to California.”

I have strong feelings of dislike towards 16 3/4 year-old Victoria from North Carolina.  The strongest I’ve felt in a long time.  She’s a pretentious little priss who is due for a kick in the ass.  Luckily she’s going to Hollywood, where dreams are shattered every hour on the hour.  With a little bit of luck, Victoria will come back from Southern California with a carton of cigarettes and an STD.

Yoji “Pop” Asano.  No. No party in the U.S.A.

Oh Jersey.  Thank you for a wonderful two hours.

Images via Fox