Remember when you were four and you got a gold necklace with cognac diamonds? Me neither.  Give the kid a store-bought cake (fne, spring for Hansen’s), tie a few balloons in the backyard, then pat yourself on the back for pushing that sticky-fingered monster out four years earlier.  Hard work.

Hmm. Camille has thirty percent more going on in her life than the other women on the show.  It must be SO hard having good help.  Making sure the house is working, and the jacuzzi is hot.  It’s very exhausting to tell people to do these things.  If only your estranged husband were there to bark orders instead.  That way you could like in a sea of satin until it’s time for you to sprout wings and flitter aboard your private jet.  Wait, you’re flying commerical?  Well, Kelsey would have chartered the jet.  Buuuuuut, since he’s not here….So hard!

Wealthy housewives have assistants.  Why?

I can tell you with full confidence that I don’t remember a lick of my fourth birthday party.  Not one memory from that day comes to mind.

Oh, sh*t.  I’m getting all choked up at Lisa‘s Pink Flamingo luncheon.  The fam surprised Lisa by flying in her black sheep son. What’s going on with Pandora‘s hair? Did she forget to remove a roller?

Cut to Hawaii (North of Kona in a private village with seven bedrooms, two of them master): Visiting Friend Carl makes me gag.  He just slithered past Camille en route to the hot tub.  Then we get to listen to Mrs. Grammer talk about the “Jesus Complex” she suffers from, and her friends want to drown themselves in a shallow hot tub death.  Let’s hear more about you and what feeds your soul, Camille.

$60,000 for a four-year old’s party? Are you insane?

The best part of these elaborate parties: When the guest of honor wants no part.  And when the guest of honor wants no part, then it’s time for you to become the guest of honor.  The demoted guest of honor will get over it.  She’s got her nanny’s shoulder to cry on.  Meanwhile, you keep on making faces for the photog.  It’s your day, isn’t it? Your! Day!

Look at Kennedy, hitting the bottle because mommy loves money more than her.  That’s a sign of things to come.

Taylor might have Camille beat for “Most Delusional.” She didn’t get a lot of camera time until last night, and now we know why.  How long do we give Taylor and Russell before they split? And let’s talk about that one of Taylor’s last statements of the episodes.  I don’t recall verbatim what tumbled out of her stretched-out lips, but it went something like this: I thrive on spending insane amounts of money on my daughter. That’s what drives me.  I’d rather do that than go spend it on myself, like Lisa.

The difference between you and Lisa is that, while Lisa has oodles of money and loves pink, she’s not detached from reality.  She’ll go shopping, but she also remembers what’s important and probably wouldn’t spend $60K on a four-year-old’s birthday party.  But if it makes you feel better to tell yourself that others are more shallow than you, then by all means.

Taylor totally loses this episode.  And Russell s*cks.

Image via Bravotv.com