We all knew it would happen.  Jake picked Vienna and sent Tenley (safely) home on her scratch N’ sniff glittered unicorn.  Internet rumors swirled that Jake would take Vienna to be his swamp bride, and last night we watched as the two mismatched do-do birds joined together to make one of the oddest pairings in television history (perhaps not the oddest, but definitely one of the top ten). 

Vienna doesn’t jive with me.  She’s obnoxious, hurting for friends and from Florida.  But sister hung in there the entire season and treated the competition like, well, a competition.  She was up-front about her feelings without seeming like too much of a stage-fiver.  She was cutthroat in her attempts to show Jake how much she wanted that rose.  And in the end, to the victor went the spoil.  Everyone else just fell short of winning the ring, the the rose and the wings of love. 

Last night I twittered “The Bachelor proves my theory that men love trashy girls.”  Perhaps not all men, but a lot of them, love the trashy girl who hates other chicks and ain’t too classy for the lucite heels/chiffon top.  Torlone informed me that DListed referred to Vienna as the Haylie Duff of Florida

“Those of you who spent 2 damn hours watching the cheese fondue dry last night know that Vienna Sausage won Jake’s peenus and became his fiance. This is hilarious since I figured the Haylie Duff of Florida was going to be sent back to her stable on episode one.“

 The saddest part about After The Rose Ceremony was listening to Vienna Finger eagerly confirm her move to Dallas.  Chris Harrison didn’t even finish his question before Vienna cut him off to say she was moving to the Big D “immediately.”  And how nice of ABC to send Jake and ViNa back to St. Lucia on an all-expense paid vacay?  Rewarding the ratings, oldest trick in the book. Pshawwww.

So we come away from this series having learned nothing, and having lost several hours of our lives to The Bachelor (three hours, ABC? Really?).  Who are the real fools?

Oh yes.  How could I forget Jeffrey Osbourne‘s serenade at the finale?   You can’t make this sh*t up.