The Bachelor is doing its best this season to make my skin crawl. It pains me to watch Jake smile like a flight attendant while the plastics gang up on Vienna (who could easily qualify as Captain Plastic). Ali had better lock it up if she wants to win the final rose, because talking smack about other girls is a major turn-off for a guy, or so I’ve learned. Cattiness is an unattractive trait to behold. Gia reminds me of someone, but I can’t put my finger on it. It’s her lips. They control her speech in a way that pins her as a dead-ringer for…someone. An actress, maybe. Or someone from Sorority Life.

I don’t know what ABC plans to do now that Jake eliminated four girls last episode versus the traditional three. It’s a ratings booster! How stupid does Chris Harrison think we are?My theory: ABC told Jake to knock off one extra girl, just to make it seem like he was truly serious about finding a wife to club and drag back to his airplane.

With that said, Vienna is brutal. I can only take the broad in small doses. Look at me! I’m talking like a dude from Jersey Shore.

And now, to American Idol. For every ratings rose I taketh away from The Bachelor, I giveth to Idol. I thought I liked Simon Cowell before. I know I love Simon Cowell now, and will follow him wherever he may go. And Seacrest. Seacrest can do whatever he wants, as long as he makes me smile. Interacting with the contestants at auditions, pretending to care about their mediocre lives, and trying so desperately not to blurt out “I would never, ever want to be you.” I can’t wait until Ellen arrives. Enough with the auditions. Let’s take this show to the top! Karaoke contest-GO!

I’m over the minimum-wage/ailment stories. I pulled for the chick with the facial issues, because she was damn good and deserved a ticket to Hollywood. But everyone else’s story is overplayed. No more sad tales. We get that you’ve been through the fire, and mazel to you for coming out victorious. But just sing us a great song and we’ll take it from there.

By the by, is anyone watching The Vampire Diaries? In. Love. Was speaking with Torlone about it. While the show is geared towards the 12-17 audience, I can’t get enough. Damon is HOT. The plots are scary mary. I could do without Elena and Stefan’s romance (an RC Cola version of Bella and Edward’s). Yet, the twists and turns have me on the edge of my seat. Who could have guessed that the home-schooled chick pining after Jeremy is really a vampire? Who! And bravo to whoever came up with the crumbly eyes idea. I’m a believer.