Amidst The Bachelor and American Idol and the premiere of Life Unexpected, something’s been bothering me.

I told myself I would write as little as possible about Spencer and Heidi, but her recent tabloid fodder has made me sad. I feel sorry for Montag. Her plastic surgery stories break my heart a little, because the girl is emotionally and mentally torn apart. Ten surgeries at once? She’s done the press tour since her story broke in People magazine last week. Tonight she spoke with Billy Bush on Access Hollywood, and was barely recognizable. Montag told Bush she felt “plastic” because her face hasn’t yet fully healed. Plastic indeed. Doesn’t Montag want to have children? Because that work will go to sh*t once she pops a few out. You need help, dear girl.

Ears pinned back, eyebrow lift, bigger boobs, liposuction, a chin reduction. Montag told People she was “obsessed” with plastic surgery and won’t stop at this. Even Spencer thinks she’s a little crazy straws.

Stop the nonsense! You’re annoying as hell, but you were a cute girl. Be happy with what you’ve worked to earn in your life, not the way you look. Now you just look like my friend’s gold Saturn.