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Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

I love this show. I really love this show. I know I’m not supposed to. The Kardashians are fame whores, but I’m intrigued. I even love their big house with the tacky topiaries!

Kourtney talks like a valley girl. She’s 30 and has a baby on the way. Learn to speak properly, mama.

“I’m tire of everybody fighting.” Gahhhhd, Kris. You are so my mother. Everything is an issue. People fight. Sisters fight.

Last episode, Khloe bitch-slapped Scott and everyone’s disgusted with her. By everyone I mean Scott and Kourtney. No one else cares that much. Theyre just thankful she helped fill 22 minutes of airtime. “I just heard that you slapped Scott last night.”

The other portion of the 22-minute hold-up is filled with old people sex. The worst kind. Kris’ friend offers her organic male enhancers she received as a party favor. These suckers are unmarked blue horsepills. Kris accepts the pills, eager to reignite the flame with Bruce (vomit).

Next:
Khloe schleps over to Kourtney’s abode where Scott now resides. Why did Scott answer the door in a sport jacket and pocket square. Such a chach!

Do those enhancement pills dissolve? Otherwise you shouldn’t put them in coffee.

Healing, Understand, Loving:
“Listen, you and Kourtney, out of everybody in our family, are the two closest.” Kim reaction is priceless, scripted reality or no scripted reality. It’s the same reaction I get when I tell Katey she was an accident and supposed to be a boy.

Sexy-time for Mom and Pop extends beyond fourty minutes per session (Mazel, Bruce). Things get so hot-and-heavy (dry-heave) that spiking Bruce’s coffee becomes a morning ritual. Until…(this is where scripted reality becomes, um, a reality) Rob takes the spiked coffee and wakes up with a boner three hours later!

Rob ends up at the doctor and may have to go to the ER. Kris must come clean and tell both the doctor and Bruce what she did. Rob still has a boner.

“This is going to be really, really hard for me.” Ahh Kris. Zing.

That’s taken care of. Onto Khloe’s anger issues. Mute Kim (plus pounds of makeup) attends an anger-management class with baby sister. Almost instantly, we find out why Khloe hates Scott:

“He’s a douche-lord, and I hit him.”

Take two:

“I feel like you’re taking my sister away from me.”

Khloe misses Kourtney and feels that Scott is taking Kourt away from her. Sad! Cute! Are you reading this, Pat?

Bonus:
“I know how much you hate grease.”
Really, Kourtney? You know how much Scott hates grease? His hair is covered in the sh*t!