You want a rollercoaster? Well, you got one. First, let me give you some background on my experience with the Jersey shore. My aunt and uncles on my mother’s side set up shop in Manasquan when I was in high school. We used to go there to get some beach time in. I would wear my hat backwards and my sneakers on the beach. I would get heckled. The appropriate derogatory term is, “B.E.N.N.I.E.” What’s a B.E.N.N.I.E? It’s Bayonne. Elizabeth. Newark. Negatron. Iceland. England.

But what I hate about most is the fact that the “Jersey Shore” extends way further than one town that MTV loves to grope and fondle. Seaside Heights aka “Sleaze-side Heights” is where you go to get drugged and taken advantage of. Granted there are towns similar to sleaze-side like Belmar, but there’s no comparison when it comes to guidos. Ah, yes – “guidos” a term that is thrown around and not completely understood. So, what’s a “guido”? Google it and you’ll find this… Guido” (or “Gino”) is a slang term for a younger lower class or working class Italian-American. The guido stereotype is often portrayed as humorously thuggish with an overtly macho attitude and an unyielding pride in his Italian ancestry.”

Italian American groups are outraged. I’m like whatevs. I’m 25% Italian. My father’s side of the fam is Italian. If someone calls me a guido, I laugh. To me, I don’t feel like guido is derogatory. I feel like guido describes a dude who is tanned up, blinged out, shredded. Yes, he’s Italian but there’s gotta be a term for a really jacked dude who’s Swedish. Oh, that guy? He’s Swede-o. Think about it. Guido just sounds good. The n-bomb? Not so good. But throw an ‘a’ on the end of that and it’s multi-platinum. It’s all about how it sounds to the ear. Example: C*nt vs. P*ssy. I rest my case.

Now I’m watching jersey shore on dvr and it began with LMFAO’S “shots, shots shots, shot, shots” how APPROPRIATE!

It’s the talk of the town. Team Brenda wants me to give the male’s perspective on the Jersey shore. Everyone that’s not Italian or hasn’t been to the Jersey shore thinks it’s a really great train wreck. But here’s my take. I love Ron Ron juice. Sammi “sweetheart” could be my future ex-wife. She’s a soccer player that went to William Paterson and as pretty much every other men’s site has confirmed, collegiate soccer players have AMAZING LEGS AND BUTTCHEEKS. JWoww’s got some fake titties. Paulie d has got it going on. Situation is a situation. And, if you know me, and if you’ve seen the show, you know I’m Vinny.

Then there’s Snooki. This girl is way way way way too small. Way too small. And I have a weird thing about sizes. I either like 4’10’’ or 5’10’’. I used to hook up with a girl in college who we nicknamed, Linebacker. I wanted to make very large babies with her. She’s now married and living in Utah with a very long last name. If only I were a true guido…

Everyone makes fun of guidos but I kinda want to be one. It’s like peacocking. If you’re a straight man you’ve heard of “The game”. If you’ve read the game, you’ve heard of mysterious – that fucking cat in the hat dude who instructs other guys to wear a stupid hat and approach girls then asks about that fight that happened outside.

With all this Tiger Woods sh*t going on, it’s hard to really believe in something. I mean every time I say that I have a house at the Jersey shore I’d hear people say, “Oh, like that MTV True Story bullsh*t?” Yes, exactly like that. I’d take my shirt off and try to find a wife at the Jersey shore… at fucking Bamboo…or Headliners. Anyone who is anyone knows that you don’t meet your wife at those places. BUT, maybe you’re at Leggett’s on Saturday afternoon, taking a break from the beach, grabbing a cold one, and there’s a dude there who catches your eye. And then maybe he doesn’t roofie your drink. And then maybe you talk about how you love the beach. And then maybe you fall in love. A##hole.

Anyway, I’m a boob guy. I love boobs. And because of that I should prob love JWoww, but I kinda don’t. maybe it’s because he’s married. Maybe because he’s MARRIED. Maybe because you’re making out with Paulie D on the side. Whoa, sorry. Editor’s note – Angelina’s bf is married. What a retard.

I hate Angelina. Big time. And I love how I when a chick breaks up with a dude, she automatically wilds out. Just wilds the fuck out. Meanwhile, a single girl who’s been single for a while doesn’t want to be viewed as a whore or a slut. I’ve been witness to this bullsh*t. Girls are retarded.

Let’s back to the show. Mike “The Situation” Situation has changed America. If you have a nice asset, call it “the situation.” I was at the Giants game tonight and this Eagles fan was Italian and had abs. he was called “The Situation” for the rest of the night. There was also a guy who looked like Ryan from Viva La Bam. He was wearing a Charles Way jersey. Charles Way! That’s old school. my buddy went down to New Orleans for the Saints giants game back in ’03 and he saw Chuck Way at a bar, and he was all over him. Chuck Way eventually had to escape the bar. That’s how much Giants fans love the game. On a very unrelated note, guidos kinda like gettin’ gay with each other. Not like full on making out but just being semi-nude with each other. What’s up with that? I guess I need to get that body to find out.

The more I watch Jersey Shore, the more I realize how bad humans are. I mean, the fact that we’re willing to lie to each other and cheat on each other. Like this dude with JWoww loves her but he has no idea what she did. Then he’ll see this episode and puke.

Which brings me to puke breath. I puked a little bit in my mouth at the Giants game and I immediately thought of Snookie. That’s how baller this show is. Within 5 minutes of arriving at the game, I had people asking about “the punch.” Yes, I’ve seen it. And what amazes me is how her head is still on her body. Are you familiar with Snookie? She’s officially 4’10’’. She’s borderline midget/child. I don’t condone hitting women. Hey, I’ll be honest. I almost squared up with a chick that was my size. No, I didn’t actually fight her, but just having another person my size challenge me got me fired up, meanwhile, if a girl half my size gets in my face I might just put her in my pocket and take her out to make people say , “aw.”

Here’s my history at the Jersey shore

’02 – Worked as a bouncer at D’Jai’s. stood on a 1’ x 1’ block for 13 hours straight on July 4th. Saw girls from college and high school. Hooked up with girl who worked the door, she flipped her sh*t on me. Tried to hook up with a waitress, she negged me HARD on doorstep. Had a girl tell me I should apply to law school. I then applied to law school. Got a 154 on the LSATs, didn’t go to law school. Went to grad school. (editor’s note – Neal will do anything a girl says)

’03 – Was in Baltimore most of the summer, came back for Labor Day. Hung out with my buddy from high school. Went to Headliner’s. Saw him piss on the bar. Took my shirt off, got sprayed with a hose. Talked to some Hispanic chicks in broken Spanish. Picked up some cheetos. And I’m out.

’04 – Was in a REALLY bad place. Tried out for MTV’s The Real World. Went to bars by myself. Didn’t have a license. Abused privileges. Showed up at a high school classmate’s shore house, accosted a dip, stumbled around, proved that, yes, I’m still not cool.

’05 – Decided to go down the shore on a whim. Ended up spending a weekend with a friend next to first ave pizza and signed up. That was the beginning of the end. Hooked up with a girl that had an amazing tat right above her jwow. Fought for her. Dated her. Hated her.

’06 – Committed to shore house with gf before we broke up. Was too cheap/proud to back out. Worst summer ever. It rained every weekend. Dad died. She brought home rando dudes, I brought home rando strombolis. Did a swan dive on ex’s beer pong table, watched Red Dawn on VHS and T2 Judgment Day. Met a chick at Osprey who wanted to leave asap, bought her a burrito, got in cab with her to her house in Belmar, she spills her shit all over, I negotiate the “cleaning fee” with cabbie, go to her house, she meets up with her “brother” /lover, I walk back to Manasquan (3 hour trip).

’07 – Belmar. Best house ever. Huge. Big backyard. Driveway. Balcony. Chandelier. Too bad I’m not tan, shredded, tats, Armani. We’d go to Bar A, D’Jais (during happy hour or on Sundays), or 507. And it was cool. Prob best shore house experience ever. I didn’t hook up, but that’s fine. I lie. I did hook up.

’08 – WORST. Shore. House. Ever. Dude lied to me about number of people in the house and number of rooms in the house. I’d have friends over and they’d get yelled at. My friends didn’t feel welcome and that sucks. Best discovery of that summer was F Cove. It’s like the Lake Havasu of NJ. That’s not saying much but it’s all I have, people.

’09 – Didn’t get a shore house because I thought I might be in Chicago for work. Chicago sucks, by the way. Too cold and windy all the time. I went there for memorial day weekend and was way underdressed. Asked a cabbie when it gets “nice” and he goes, “mid-July to mid-august” 1 fucking month. F*ck you, Chicago. Anyway, I enjoyed this past summer. Even though it did end in the most ridiculous way. Had a girl flip the fuck out on me and claim she was nice yet she should prob be married by now if she’s THAT cool.

Why is Mike so salty about Ron Ron and Sammi? He’s already proven he can get other chicks. If I had a situation like he does, I wouldn’t worry about sammi. I’d be owning that hot tub.

I’m a wingman. If I was in this house, I’d be hyping the guys I was with. Let’s be honest, I can’t hold a match to these dudes. Which makes me wonder, are these guys on ‘roids? Is that a rhetorical question? I feel like I watch what I eat. I feel like I drink the same amount as these dudes, but yet they are just ripped out of their minds. I’mma do steroids. F it.

“F*CK ME IN MY F*CKING @SSHOLE”
I feel like girls talk a lot of sh*t. guys talk a lot of sh*t, but for the most part, we TRY to back it up. For instance, girls claim to love Sunday funday. But do they even know what that shit means? To dudes, Sunday funday means booze, sports, and babes. And hopefully, booze and sports leads to hooking up with babes. Girls think Sunday funday is just an excuse to be a “party girl” which to them means they’re fun, but in guys minds means they’re dtf.

I’m getting off track here, but the main point I’m trying to make is the Jersey shore is NOT bad. It gets a bad rep because you get kids from Staten island or Rhode island thinking it’s goddam Vegas. Yes, seaside is pretty brutal. But sea girt, spring lake, and bay head. They shut down at like 11/12. Most people with money on the east coast retire there.

What’s the lesson here? The Jersey shore extends way beyond MTV’s f*cking p-o-v. MTV, for one reason or another, continues to gravitate to Seaside Heights. Who knows why? My goal this summer is to show that the jersey shore is more than hair gel, Dolce & Gabbana, and steak-faces.

In conclusion, people love this show because it’s everything they want to be. Yes, people. You want to be Paulie D, JWwow, Sammi, Snooki, “The Situation”, and Vinny. Why? Because these people are the complete embodiment of the human psyche. Insecurity, confidence, doubt, security. They are just more outward about it. So get out about it. Personally, my whole goal is to shed my insecurities, put myself out there, and maybe vibe. (Then hopefully, bang it out, ha).