image via mtv.com

I watched, and as expected, I was disappointed/bored/spaced out/cross-eyed.

Oh, the bells have tolled. Hark, the voice of Hell! It’s Kristin!

Lo tries to explain Kristin to Audrina and Stephanie. Her history, her relationships, her all-around rotten demeanor. Be serious, you two. We know you can’t read, but you did hear the news about she with the nasally voice who once “slapped Lauren“. By the way, I do not recall said events happening. Can someone verify?

Hey Stephanie, your lips look mighty poofy. It’s wonderful that the producers are paying you so much. You totally deserve it.

“Wow, I don’t think anybody’s ready for Kristin to come”-Heidi. Nope. Not at all. Not only are we ready, we’re not interested.

Everyone seems to be getting along at Heidi and Spencer‘s lame party. This won’t do. This won’t do at all. We need someone to come in a piss all over this happy scene.

The evil laugh emerges from rooftop palm trees. “It’s so random. I haven’t seen these people in forever.”-Kristin. God, I hate that voice.

“Welcome Kristin. This is a very exciting day.” Do Heidi and Spencer see themselves as the puppet masters now? Have they questioned the strings tied to their own hands and neck?

Ah, Stephanie tries to defend Audrina to Kristin and Justin. This doesn’t look staged AT ALL.

Look at Audrina trying to go after Kristin at the party. I don’t think she’d know what to do if faced with a fisticuffs.

Boring married couples scoping the Brentwood scene for a nest. Spencer is dressed for the occasion in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. Yee haw.

Stacie the Bartender, good to see you. Glad you’re here.

The “scene” at XIV is nauseating. Let’s faux-watch basketball and impress the hill-billy who hears “harleys go by” and gets jealous. HOT. Justin needs a shave a hair cut…two bits.

Enter the “House For Rent.” Heidi doesn’t feel like this house is a “cozy house in the suburbs.” It’s more like a “porno pad.” Someone put said married couple on a spaceship and just shoot ‘em into to space. “It’s my way or the lame way.” You guys are going to last forever. I can tell.

Audrina-get over the fact that the producers chose Kristin to headline the series because you can’t hold a viewer’s attention for more than a solid 2 seconds.

Wait a minute. Is Kristin’s lint-sized heart growing a wee bit? She thought twice about coming to dinner with Justin because she knows Audrina is still in love with him.

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got.