Week two of loving Bill Rancic.

Giuliana and Bill had to move AGAIN because Bill received a baller offer on the house they just moved into. What do to, what to do. Bill built Giuliana a house, then swept it from under her to sell it. Greedy, greedy man! But you’re the professional. I trust you.

Now that the two lovebirds are on the lookout for a new house, Giuliana asked, “What about the suburbs?” What about the suburbs? Giuliana could join the PTA. She could get a part-time job as a lunchroom monitor. Bill could be a baseball coach. Hello, dream life!

Bill: The suburbs are “a death sentence on fun.” Wah Wah.

Weighing out the pros and cons of city life vs suburban life, Giuliana raised a crucial point. Crime in the city vs crime in the suburbs. The crime is just so much more tame, more cookie- cutter and non-psychotic in the suburbs, according to Giuliana. “What news are you watching?” Bill asked, curious about said cookie-cutter crime rate.

Comparison: City living vs Suburb living. Which location will win? The suspense is killing me!

While testing out city living, Giuliana stumbled upon any citys’ best treasure trove: Retail.

Cute shoe alert:
Giuliana: “Could you die?”
Bill: “I could die.”

Giuliana: “How much is this jacket?”
Sales Clerk: “$885.”
Bill: “How much?!”

In honor of their suburban journey, Giuliana decided to use the entire contents of her bronzer, face application only. That’s what the suburbs are about: strip malls, chain restaurants, and overbronzing. God Bless America.

Gated houses. Hello! “This is a phat pad!” Holy God. 8,000 square feet of suburban wonder. Pro: Big fountain. Con: Big, gaudy fountain.

Life is so hard! Do we buy a giant apartment in the city or a giant house in the suburb?

To sweeten the taste of suburban life, Giuliana brought the exquisite Bill to a nearby country club. They were led by a tour guide who did nothing but insult Giuliana’s age and chirp about her upcoming engaged-and-underaged nuptials. There, the love newlyweds caught a glimpse at who their children would be in 25 years: eager to marry young so that they could pop out ungrateful spawns by 30. If that’s not a surburban legend, then send me to the 99 and order me a strong one.

Giuliana & Bill airs Wednesday @ 9pm on The Style Network.