While I’m busy collecting myself after that hot mess of a reunion, go get yourself a Bitchin’ Orange Tatas tee from Bravotv.com. You might not have floaties like our best coast gals, but the tee more than makes up for it. No? Yes? Tamra has no soul? Maybe?

Since I’m a glutton for punishment, I followed The Real Housewives Confess with the wifeys of Nueva York (Real Housewives of New York City, Tuesday 10pm, Bravo). This week I broke it down bullet-point-style, sans bullets. Next week we see Kelly on a horsie. Wow!

Alex & Simon
May I ask why there was a three-second (close-up) crotch shot of Alex’s bathing suit at Blue & Cream?

Warning to east coast beach patrons: Banana hammock alert. False alarm. The offender has agreed to put on a pair of trunks. “We’re used to beaches near the equator.” It’s too bad they didn’t at least get stung by a jellyfish. That would be sooooo Atlantic.

Green suede loafers with a short-suit: HOT. Pink suede loafers with a short-suit? HOTTTERRRRRRRRRR. Where is Tim Gunn? Isn’t he on Bravo, too? Why hasn’t he stepped in yet?

Luanne
Countesses can order pizza? Over the phone? To the “help?” Get out! Wow, Countess you’re really well-rounded. Cut to the event-Luanne bitches, “She (the MC) should have said ‘Countess De Le Sepps.’” She did! You were yappin’ while the MC was speaking. Favorite part of the event: Bethany and Jill dancing in front of the fan. (I said Countess three times). PS-doesn’t “Countess Luanne” sound like an oxymoron? Like King Ralph? Luanne sounds like someone my mother walks around the pond with.

Ramona-Bug-Eyes
Ramona-Bug-Eyes wrote articles for Cosmo? Ramona-Bug-Eyes was a body builder?

Kelly
Kelly has a post-chemical-peel “glow’ to her. Girlfriend had her skin scraped but good.

Bethany/Jill
Does Bethany eat? Is she going to finish that breakfast tart? Man oh man, I love Jill’s mom, Gloria. I want to make Gloria a bowl of fruit so she can give it to me straight, too. “Life goes like a minute,” she laments. Gloria, you really cut to the core. “Spend life happy!” The woman is like summer rain! Gloria, what’s your number? What are you doing for lunch Friday? I still have vacation days I need to use so I’m pretty flexible. Be there for me, Gloria! “You’ve got to help yourself! I’m here to help you, but you’ve got to help yourself.” Well put. Now get out there and toot around town in that rented Lincoln Town Car.

Bitchin’ Orange Tatas tee